Honesty is not an Option.

Often times in an relationship one party thinks it better for the other party not to know the whole story.  They somehow think that taking away someone's option to make an informed decision for themselves will actually keep life easier and make things better.

Neglecting to tell your mate that your home is in foreclosure, that the lights are about to get cut off, the cars are about to get repossessed is lying. Neglecting to tell your mate that you're cheating on them is lying.  A half truth is lying and omission of the truth is lying, period. I have been guilty of withholding information from my husband. And trust me when the truth came out (and it always does) the results are never pretty. Because now you have more damage control than you could have ever imagined. A wound that could have been covered with a band-aid now needs stitches to stop the bleeding.

In withholding information you are taking away that persons options, you are making that decision for them and, that's not fair.

Your relationship is not going to work with secrets, half truths and lies. If you are spending the bulk of your time trying to cover something up, or wondering if you are going to get caught you are truly not enjoying your relationship. Plus once that person finds out there might be hell to pay.

So, whatever you're hiding from a loved one, let it out. You are hurting someone worse by withholding the truth. I think a lot of times people don't tell the truth is not because of the fear of hurting the other person but the fear of the other persons reaction off of the information or the fact that they don't respect that individual or their abilities.

Stop, trying to determine the course of someone else's life. Demand more from yourself as a human being. Stop reasoning with yourself why withholding this information is a good thing.

If someone is withholding information from you and you know it, stop living and acting like nothing is going on. Call them on their mess. Stop waiting for them to tell you, they're NOT. They are thinking when everything gets better and they have fixed the mess then they'll tell you, then you'll only get half the story.  Stop letting someone else control your destiny by allowing them to drag you in their crap.

Ladies, stop allowing your mates to lie and half truth you all the way to financial ruin or loneliness. Men, stop allowing the same. Become an active partner in your relationship, although your spouses strength might be the finances you'd better be viewing the books just to make sure the numbers are making sense.

Although, this post was mainly about finances, honesty in a relationship is a non-negotiable across the board item.  So it applies to everything.

Be honest, life will be so much easier.

Until Next Time,
Peace, Love & Charm

Charmaine

*This post inspired by Super Woman Productions and Publishing  post "Why Do Dogs Lick Themselves"*

"If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gone love somebody else" ~ RuPaul

Realizations and Realities

This weekend I had a difficult time being Charmaine.  Here's what I mean. I went to a business event and I had become that person that is showing pictures of her children and talking about family life.  I had forgotten how to truly network and be about my business.

Driving there I felt bad about leaving the kids with their loving over qualified father. While there I felt guilty about having a good time. While leaving I felt guilty because I was not home for one of my sons seizures. I'm just a mess.

Then I came home only to have to go back out to the grocery store. Came back made dinner and left again.

Not once did I take a kid. I had a full day of adult interaction and conversation and I did'nt know how to act. I felt weird being out without my husband or kids and not be at the grocery store or Target. I felt guilty how dare I have a good time.

But Saturday made me realize a few things.

1.  I need to get out of the house at least once a month to network. Not just with women either, because I've lost my edge. And that pisses me off.

2. I need to continue this trend of my children helping me around the house. Meal time went so much faster because my daughter was my assistant. Plus she likes to feel needed (well sometimes lol).

3. I need to start reading non children's books again to step up my business game.

4  I need to organize my life. I waste too much time.

There is more but I gotta go to bed. Goals for this week complete Vision Board and Goal list. Because I need to focus on me. 

Slowly I'm figuring this thing out. Happy me happy family. This weekend proved it.

Homework lesson: if there is no you time carved into your life, then whose life are you living?  Make time for yourself, remember your mental health and happiness is paramount to your families success.

Peace, Love, & Charm
Charmaine Fuller

Learning to Let Go

I know I can't be the only mom, wife or woman guilty of this. Micro-Managing.  This is often why women don't make good bosses, supervisors etc (well that's another story back on point). Often times we get so pissed at our mates for "not doing enough" (aka not trying to be super like us), we get pissed because they don't help with the kids, the chores, etc.

Super example, my husband and I had a discussion some months back about him cooking and doing some other housework on Sundays to give me a break. Things where going well until he didn't cook one day as fast as I wanted him to and I broke the agreement. Notice I broke the agreement, he didn't say he wasn't going to cook, he just didn't do it when I wanted him too. So know fast forward, I'm pissed because I "have" to cook everyday, but get this I don't. I'm the one that changed the "rules of engagement" not him.  My husband has learned after 11 years of marriage that I am some what of a control freak. So he doesn't agrue with me, when I get into one of those "moods" he just lets me be. Then when I come back to my senses he picks right back up where we left off (thank God one of us is mentally stable lol).

So today's lesson is "Don't be Super unless absolutaly neccessary" So often we as women stress our own damn selfs out.  We complain about cleaing the house, well if you have children over the age of 2 then you should have a helper. Stop saying "it'll take me too long to teach you I'll do it myself" how else do you expect the babies to learn? Start having them help you, assign them specific chores that you know they can do with little to no assistance, once their confidence is built, go on from there. It might take a while to set up but TRUST ME life will be easier for you.

 *This one is for me, if it helps you too great* Many of us have GREAT mates that are willing to move heaven and earth for us but we as women won't let them because, "he not doing it when I want him too" You know what rushing does for a man....nothing, absolutely nothing, it doesn't make him move faster but slower. My husband put the concept to me best one time, "if I did whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted , you wouldn't respect me, I'm my own person I'm not you" and how true that is, if he jumped whenever I asked I truly would look at him like a punk, to me at least. I like a little 'pull' I like a little 'resistance'.

Allow your mate to do things in their own time, they are NOT going to do them like you or when you do them but they will get it done. No need to nag, yell, or walk around with an attitude. Let you mate help consistently, half of my problem is that I always get "super" because he's not doing it when I want him to then when I get overwhelmed I'm begging for help. If he was doing this consistently, then I would be less frustrated and he would be less confused.

Allow yourself to accept help. When he asked can I help with anything around the house, don't smack your lips, roll your eyes then say no, like he is supposed to read your body language to read "of course". Remember my first post men are literal you have to say what you want. Even if he doesn't ask if you need assistance ask, stop going around the house pissed off huffing and puffing because you're doing a task by yourself that you don't have to be doing by yourself, you're just too damn stubborn to ask.

Well everyone I'm off to ask my husband to start taking over Sunday meals again. :-) Hopefully this time I'm smart enough to allow him to continue (because he really is a kick ass cook).

Until Next Time
Peace, Love & Charm

Charmaine

*Homework assignment for the week: Find an area that you need to let go of and allow someone else to handle. Allow that person to do that task to the best of their ability not yours. Letting go will allow you to maintain some sort of sanity.*

*"If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gone love somebody else?" ~ RuPaul*

Who are you?

Hey lady, yea you.. "Who are you?"

A few weeks ago I was super frustrated with life. I had made some bad choice for my family and it forced me to view my life honestly. I was pissed, pissed because I had devoted ALL of my time and energy to my children and felt as if I hadn't gotten anything in return, pissed because my husband got to go off to work and I had to stay here with the kids and  pissed because everyday of my life felt like the movie "Groundhog Day". I felt trapped. Then I realized I feel like this because of decisions that I have made, no one made them for me.  I looked at my identity and I realized my identity was being the mom to 3 wife to 1. I then thought of a friend of mine who had done the same thing, her entire life had been wrapped around her husband and kids, forsaking her own identity. She was never truly happy just going along with life, when the bottom dropped it took her so long to recover mentally. Now that she is living for herself making sure she is happy and whole her children are happier and life flows better.

At that moment a few weeks ago I thought: "If my husband where to leave and  left me and my kids with nothing hell what if there was a freak accident and he died?" "what am I going to do when my kids enter high school and college and no longer need me?" What would have to keep me busy and help me to survive" I had nothing. They were my everything all bets where hedged on them.  So I had to develop a "Plan B" I used to have one but life happens and we often get comfortable. One day my kids will leave one day it will just be me and my husband and although he'll have something to do I wouldn't. So I had to fix that.

Although it is still a work in progress, I try to get out at least once a week without kids. Ladies it is not impossible. Depending on your situation it might be difficult. If you can't do once a week try once a month. Find a college student or dependable family member, take your laptop go into to some place with Wi-Fi and veg out. Or take a yoga class or take a walk. Do something, that doesn't include your family. I'm trying to work up to a weekend girls getaway (pray for me) that's down the line, way down the line. As for some reason I feel guilty about leaving my children with their capable and over qualified father :-)

I have dug more into my passion and making my business work. Realizing that for me not making my own money bothers me. Solely depending on someone else makes me nervous, iv'e been working since 14 so this SAHM (stay at home mom) thing is new.

Helping others is a passion, that's why I started this blog. I figured I might help someone I might not. This blog may not be more than a release for me and helping me to realize myself and better my relationships in the process.

So this weeks homework is:
"Find out who you are" take some time, make some time to meditate and find you. Set up a vision board and goals not only for your family but for you.  Please share how it has worked for you as what you say may help someone else.

"If you can't love yourself, how in the Hell you gone love somebody else" RuPaul

Until Next Time,
Peace, Love & Charm
Charmaine

Finding time with Little Ones

So often my husband and I are EXHAUSTED. He works a full time physically and mentally demanding job plus is in school full time, plus has two side businesses. I take care of little people all day, make sure the house is running, food is cooked plus I run my own business. We also have two special needs kids and one toddler which makes life more challenging. So how do we find time to communicate, find intimacy and personal time? The easy and not so easy answer is you have to make it. What makes this answer not so easy is that so often as parents we ignore ourselves it's so easy to get "caught up" in the day to day and just go through the motions of the day that change is difficult because we look at it as a new plan we have to implement. What makes it easy is that it's the answer that has been in the back of our minds for all along. So here are some ideas to help you make time with and without the little ones:

• Create a family "cool down" time where everyone either chills out in the family room and eats popcorn and watches a movie or a cool show. Or, our personal favorite Saturday morning everyone piles in our bed to snuggle and watch cartoons. This allows you to be close to your mate while spending quality time with your little ones.
• Have a couple's movie night. (we haven't done this one in a while hint to me). 
• Put kids to bed (they don't have to go to sleep just not be in your space)
•  Pick a movie make  and some grown up snacks, have your drink of choice 
• just sit back and enjoy each others company.
• Here's a crazy one do yard work together, wash the cars together. These you can do with or without the kids. You'd be surprised on how much fun you can have being playful in water or dirt and getting clean and dry and be oh so much fun.
• Cook together. It's a great time to be intimate and playful. Stop kicking your mate out of the kitchen. 
• When the kids are in school I take a day and meet my hubby for lunch at his job. He loves the surprise, he loves to show me off and he loves a free lunch. :-)

Remember a parent is just one of your titles not the only title. Although our children need much of our time, love, and attention remember that you and your mate need that also to thrive. 

Those are just a few, tell me some of yours.

Until Next Time,

Peace, Love & Charm

Charmaine

*BTW how are you doing on this weeks lesson? Would love to hear that many of you have stepped outside of your comfort zone and rekindled your sex life.*

"If you can't love yourself, how in the Hell you gone love somebody else" ~ RuPaul

Relationship Essentials *Or Something Like It*

So this morning I was thinking of things that make my marriage work and thought I would do a top 12. So many people have the misconception that relationships be it marriage or otherwise is always sunny, you always like the person you love and that problems are solved in 25 minutes or less (thanks a lot television and dumbing down the human thought process). So many of us have not grown up with adults that gave us examples of healthy relationships. So you get into a relationship with someone with a skewed reality.  So here are my top 12.

1. Stop treating everyone else better than your mate.

• Often times we are "meanier" to the one we love because we figure they have to deal with it. We're nice to people at work, we don't stand our ground with them don't set boundaries. We then take all that out on our mate, talking to them sideways, or just being plain mean. They don't have to deal with it you might just one day find yourself alone. Your mate should get your best treatment ALWAYS.

2. Listen. For real listen.

• No matter how long you are with someone, there is always something new to learn, discover and love. You just have to be mentally present to see them.

3. Know when to "hold em" and know when to "fold em".

• Everything doesn't require you to "stand your ground". It's OK to let the other person win, it's truly not that serious most of the time.

4. Stop withholding sex (ladies)

• It does not make men focus on the issue at hand, they are going to be focused on SEX. So if you are sick of your mate not taking out trash, communicating etc stop using sex as a pawn. Men are simple tell him what the issue is, 9 times out of 10 he will respond.  Men are very straight forward they don't get into "hidden meanings" all they know is they ain't gettin' none. My husband is a MUCH better listener and more open to demands when his sexual needs are met.

5. Communicate

• Ladies, your mate is not a mind reader. Again men are very straight forward stop playing the "guess what I'm thinking" game and then get pissed at him when he losses. Tell each other what you're thinking, don't just communicate when something is wrong, it's too damn late then. My hubby and I talk every night before we go to bed, it give each of us a chance to voice what's going on in our world and to stay in the loop of life (we talk more than that but that is our set time just in case we miss other opportunities during the day). Begin by setting up a time to talk.

6. You can't change him

• Stop picking men because he looks like a good DIY project with so much potential. Changing people is God's job. Accept people for who and what they are stop trying to make your mate be like you, if you wanted to marry or date yourself you should've gotten a clone. Your mate is their own person with their own set of thoughts, values, and feelings. For so long I compared everything my husband did to how I would or would not have done it and for five years it drove me nuts. I was always pissed off at something he did, until one day a great therapist told me your husband is not you stop trying to make him as such. As soon as I did my life and our marriage got easier.

7. Make time for each other

• A weekend getaway or whatever you can do. In this economy use your home as a weekend getaway, turn off the cellphones, computers, televisions and just reconnect. If you have kids (like we do) we do monthly date nights, we try to get away quarterly for the weekend. You need to create that space in your minds where you can remember that night.

8. Stop being such a prude.

• If you were a freak when you were dating and now you're a prude that's a huge adjustment for anyone. Let your "Freak Flag Fly", have sex someplace other than your bedroom, at night on Saturday. Utilize the other rooms of your house, ladies do something other than laying on your back, come to bed in something other than your maternity pjs (esp if the baby is over a year old) buy some underware that matches. You'd be surprised how sexy and empowered that makes YOU feel. Make a visit to Lovers Lane or find a Pure Romance consultant(I use them, they're discrete and it comes to your house, it's kinda impossible going to Lover's Lane with 3 kids lol).  Visit a Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood, get your sexy back. That same sexual power and inhibition you felt prior to kids, get that back. Orgasms make you happy.

9. Sometimes you will go to bed mad

• It's alright to agree to disagree say I love you and deal with it later. That doesn't mean you're letting an issue go but everything is not solved in 30 minutes or less. Hell sometimes it takes a day or two (or longer)

10. It's not all about you.

• Sometime your mate will snap at you or stop talking all together. Then say they're mad at you. You have to know your mate well enough to know if that's true. It's not always something you done, you two don't live in this impenetrable bubble, so it is quite possible that outside factors can affect your moods and attitudes. If your mate snaps, it doesn't require you to "defend" yourself and snap back, that will cause a whole new set of problems (trust me). 

11. Stop looking at sex as a chore.

• It wasn't before you got married or involved I'm sure he got it all the time. Now you have placed your needs and his needs on the bottom, and put everyone else above. I'm not saying ignore your children, responsibilties or life. What I am saying is re-locate the joy in your sex life, if you have to go into the bathroom and do some "self talk" then do that. Ladies stop denying yourself because it's probably what's making you angry. That could possibly be where your marital or relationship tension is coming from. Sex is not a chore.*Refer to tip # 8*

12. Stop putting your children before your happiness all the time

• You can not be an effective mother if your needs are not being met, if you and your mate are having continual tension because of lack of communication, or lack of sex. Set your own set of goals and things you want to accomplish for yourself, it will make you a better women. Your children will not be with you forever, they grow up and leave home, and if you're lucky you'll be stuck with your mate. And if you've spent 18 + years only focusing on the relationship with your children you and your mate will be no more than room mates (precisely why so many get divorced after the kids go to college). Get your kids out of your bed and into their own, establish a bed time, establish chores and rules. It will make your life easier. Stop lying to yourself and others saying "my children are my happiness, they are all I need." Stop denying your needs and wants, being a parent doesn't mean you can't have any happiness or external joy. Remember our children learn about relationships through watching us, so make your life the best example by first making sure you're happy.

So those are my top 12 for today. Take them or leave them, they  may or may not apply to you or your situation. 

Here's the homework assignment for the week:

Have sex someplace other than your bedroom, put the kids to bed and make time to focus on one another.  

Until Next Time,

Peace, Love & Charm

Charmaine

*BTW I chose 12 for each of the years I've been married, well it'll be 12 this September but I figured why wait when they are fresh in my head*