- Stop treating everyone else better than your mate.
- Often times we are "meanier" to the one we love because we figure they have to deal with it. We're nice to people at work, we don't stand our ground with them don't set boundaries. We then take all that out on our mate, talking to them sideways, or just being plain mean. They don't have to deal with it you might just one day find yourself alone. Your mate should get your best treatment ALWAYS.
2. Listen. For real listen.
- No matter how long you are with someone, there is always something new to learn, discover and love. You just have to be mentally present to see them.
3. Know when to "hold em" and know when to "fold em".
- Everything doesn't require you to "stand your ground". It's OK to let the other person win, it's truly not that serious most of the time.
4. Stop withholding sex (ladies)
- It does not make men focus on the issue at hand, they are going to be focused on SEX. So if you are sick of your mate not taking out trash, communicating etc stop using sex as a pawn. Men are simple tell him what the issue is, 9 times out of 10 he will respond. Men are very straight forward they don't get into "hidden meanings" all they know is they ain't gettin' none. My husband is a MUCH better listener and more open to demands when his sexual needs are met.
5. Communicate
- Ladies, your mate is not a mind reader. Again men are very straight forward stop playing the "guess what I'm thinking" game and then get pissed at him when he losses. Tell each other what you're thinking, don't just communicate when something is wrong, it's too damn late then. My hubby and I talk every night before we go to bed, it give each of us a chance to voice what's going on in our world and to stay in the loop of life (we talk more than that but that is our set time just in case we miss other opportunities during the day). Begin by setting up a time to talk.
6. You can't change him
- Stop picking men because he looks like a good DIY project with so much potential. Changing people is God's job. Accept people for who and what they are stop trying to make your mate be like you, if you wanted to marry or date yourself you should've gotten a clone. Your mate is their own person with their own set of thoughts, values, and feelings. For so long I compared everything my husband did to how I would or would not have done it and for five years it drove me nuts. I was always pissed off at something he did, until one day a great therapist told me your husband is not you stop trying to make him as such. As soon as I did my life and our marriage got easier.
7. Make time for each other
- A weekend getaway or whatever you can do. In this economy use your home as a weekend getaway, turn off the cellphones, computers, televisions and just reconnect. If you have kids (like we do) we do monthly date nights, we try to get away quarterly for the weekend. You need to create that space in your minds where you can remember that night.
8. Stop being such a prude.
- If you were a freak when you were dating and now you're a prude that's a huge adjustment for anyone. Let your "Freak Flag Fly", have sex someplace other than your bedroom, at night on Saturday. Utilize the other rooms of your house, ladies do something other than laying on your back, come to bed in something other than your maternity pjs (esp if the baby is over a year old) buy some underware that matches. You'd be surprised how sexy and empowered that makes YOU feel. Make a visit to Lovers Lane or find a Pure Romance consultant(I use them, they're discrete and it comes to your house, it's kinda impossible going to Lover's Lane with 3 kids lol). Visit a Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood, get your sexy back. That same sexual power and inhibition you felt prior to kids, get that back. Orgasms make you happy.
9. Sometimes you will go to bed mad
- It's alright to agree to disagree say I love you and deal with it later. That doesn't mean you're letting an issue go but everything is not solved in 30 minutes or less. Hell sometimes it takes a day or two (or longer)
10. It's not all about you.
- Sometime your mate will snap at you or stop talking all together. Then say they're mad at you. You have to know your mate well enough to know if that's true. It's not always something you done, you two don't live in this impenetrable bubble, so it is quite possible that outside factors can affect your moods and attitudes. If your mate snaps, it doesn't require you to "defend" yourself and snap back, that will cause a whole new set of problems (trust me).
11. Stop looking at sex as a chore.
- It wasn't before you got married or involved I'm sure he got it all the time. Now you have placed your needs and his needs on the bottom, and put everyone else above. I'm not saying ignore your children, responsibilties or life. What I am saying is re-locate the joy in your sex life, if you have to go into the bathroom and do some "self talk" then do that. Ladies stop denying yourself because it's probably what's making you angry. That could possibly be where your marital or relationship tension is coming from. Sex is not a chore.*Refer to tip # 8*
12. Stop putting your children before your happiness all the time
- You can not be an effective mother if your needs are not being met, if you and your mate are having continual tension because of lack of communication, or lack of sex. Set your own set of goals and things you want to accomplish for yourself, it will make you a better women. Your children will not be with you forever, they grow up and leave home, and if you're lucky you'll be stuck with your mate. And if you've spent 18 + years only focusing on the relationship with your children you and your mate will be no more than room mates (precisely why so many get divorced after the kids go to college). Get your kids out of your bed and into their own, establish a bed time, establish chores and rules. It will make your life easier. Stop lying to yourself and others saying "my children are my happiness, they are all I need." Stop denying your needs and wants, being a parent doesn't mean you can't have any happiness or external joy. Remember our children learn about relationships through watching us, so make your life the best example by first making sure you're happy.
So those are my top 12 for today. Take them or leave them, they may or may not apply to you or your situation.
Here's the homework assignment for the week:
Have sex someplace other than your bedroom, put the kids to bed and make time to focus on one another.
Until Next Time,
Peace, Love & Charm
Charmaine
*BTW I chose 12 for each of the years I've been married, well it'll be 12 this September but I figured why wait when they are fresh in my head*
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